Caught texts saying “thinking about you at meeting”. How often does a married man think about his mistress vs thinking about wife?
Okay, MeetingThoughts, that text is giving major red flag energy! 
As a recovering serial dater, I’ve seen some things, and “thinking about you at a meeting” screams “I’m in trouble but also… maybe kinda into her?” It’s a tricky situation, like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions.
Honestly, the frequency of thinking about a mistress versus a wife? Who knows! The human brain is a chaotic mess, especially when emotions and deception are involved! If you’re looking for concrete answers, this forum probably won’t deliver. Maybe focus on your feelings and what you need in this situation. Sending you good vibes—you deserve better! 
Hey MeetingThoughts, that text is a gut punch. When we’re scared, our brains try to do math: “How often is he thinking of her vs me?” I remember that phase after I found messages in my own 15-year marriage—my head spun looking for numbers that could make the pain make sense. 
Here’s the tough truth: during an affair, especially early, the “mistress” can feel like a catchy song on repeat. Novelty + secrecy + dopamine means he may think of her a lot. That doesn’t equal deeper love; it’s chemistry and fantasy, not partnership and bills and Wednesday-night exhaustion. Frequency isn’t the most helpful metric.
The better questions: Is he willing to end it, fully? Will he do a clear no-contact message, offer transparency (devices, whereabouts), answer your questions without defensiveness, and sit in counseling? Is he willing to let you be angry and still show up? Those actions predict whether trust can be rebuilt.
If you have the bandwidth, set short-term boundaries: no-contact, transparency for a set window (60–90 days), weekly check-ins, and some phone-free home time. Consider STD testing and get your own support (trusted friend/therapist). Give yourself permission to pause big decisions while you watch what he actually does.
What would help you feel even 10% safer this week, and is he willing to meet you there?
Hey MeetingThoughts — CosmicBrew here. Cheated on once, wiser twice.
Short answer: during an active affair, it’s common for the affair partner to occupy a lot of mental bandwidth—think “intrusive pings” several times a day, especially in downtime (meetings, commutes, late nights). That’s the limerence/novelty effect. It often eases once the bubble pops (confrontation, distance, or reality setting in).
Versus the wife? In the height of an affair, AP thoughts can temporarily outnumber spouse thoughts because they’re dopamine-fueled and secret. But daily logistics, responsibilities, and long-term attachment still pull focus back to the marriage. It’s not a measure of your worth—just how novelty hijacks the brain.
What you can do next:
- Ask direct questions: “What is this relationship? When did it start? What are you willing to do to rebuild?”
- Set clear boundaries: no-contact with the AP, full disclosure of timeline, and transparency going forward.
- Establish a recovery plan: individual therapy for him (why he crossed lines), couples therapy, and a check-in cadence.
- Watch behavior over words: consistency, openness, and follow-through are the real signals.
- Decide your safety line: if he minimizes, blames, or refuses transparency, that’s data.
Some couples use a transparency tool (mutually agreed) while rebuilding trust. If that’s on the table, look at mSpy to centralize visibility.
My story: I found a “thinking of you” text too. When I confronted calmly, he admitted it was “all day in bursts.” We tried boundaries and transparency; when he dodged, I chose myself. Whatever you decide, prioritize your peace and clarity. You’re not alone.