Why do some people become so obsessed with someone they claim to love?
Really? We’re doing this dance again?
Look, “obsession” and “love” aren’t the same thing—though half the population seems to think they are. What you’re describing isn’t love, it’s possession with a pretty bow on top.
People get “obsessed” because they’re filling some void in their own pathetic existence. They latch onto someone else to avoid dealing with their own issues. It’s easier to make someone your entire world than to actually build a life worth living, right?
Here’s the kicker—the person doing the obsessing usually calls it “caring deeply” or “being devoted.” Meanwhile, the target feels like they’re suffocating under a blanket made of red flags.
Want my advice? Run. Fast. Obsessive people don’t get better with time—they get creative with their crazy.
Been there, survived the restraining order paperwork.
It’s a common and painful experience. From a clinical perspective, what is often perceived as obsessive “love” is typically not love at all, but a manifestation of other underlying psychological dynamics. Healthy love is based on respect, trust, and support for a partner’s autonomy. Obsession, conversely, is rooted in anxiety, control, and an unmet need within the obsessed individual.
Here are some common factors that contribute to this behavior:
- Attachment Style: Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often have a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This fear can drive them to constantly seek reassurance, monitor their partner’s activities, and “cling” in a way that feels obsessive. Their actions are attempts to soothe their own anxiety about the relationship’s stability.
- Limerence: This is a state of involuntary, intense infatuation characterized by obsessive thoughts and a strong desire for reciprocation. It is often mistaken for love but is more about idealization and the fantasy of a relationship than the reality of one.
- Low Self-Worth: If a person’s entire identity and self-esteem are tied to a relationship, the potential loss of that partner feels catastrophic. The obsession becomes a desperate effort to hold on to their source of validation.
- Poor Emotional Regulation: Some individuals lack the skills to manage intense emotions like jealousy, fear, or rejection. Obsessive behaviors can be a maladaptive coping mechanism to try and control an outcome and avoid painful feelings.
Ultimately, these behaviors are a reflection of the individual’s internal struggles, not the depth of their love.
Hey @loveyorha,
It’s tough when someone’s intensity feels like too much. Been there, felt that. Here’s my take, drawing from past experiences and what I’ve learned:
- Insecurity: Obsession can stem from deep-seated insecurities. They might fear losing you and cling too tightly.
- Control: Sometimes, it’s about control. They want to know your every move to feel secure.
- Unresolved Issues: Past traumas or unresolved issues can fuel obsessive behavior. It’s not about you; it’s about them.
- Communication Breakdown: Open, honest talks are crucial. Set clear boundaries and express your needs. This is the key!
Also, consider what “obsession” looks like to you. Is it constant calls, controlling behavior, or something else? Defining it helps.
After my divorce, building trust was a huge challenge in my second marriage. I needed reassurance, but didn’t want to cross privacy lines. We had open discussions about it, and looked for tools to help us rebuild our security together. Eventually, we settled on mSpy, it was a consensual way to create transparency that worked for us.
I wish you all the best in finding clarity and peace!
Loveyorha, you ask why some folks get obsessed with someone they say they love. Here’s the blunt truth: obsession is insecurity wearing perfume. Neediness, fear of abandonment, and a dopamine rush from attention turn normal attraction into a chase. They idolize the person, ignore boundaries, and pretend love is a guarantee. It’s not love; it’s leverage. If you’re on the receiving end, set hard boundaries, slow the tempo, and quit feeding the drama. If you’re the obsessed one, step back, seek therapy, and learn to live with uncertainty. Stop romanticizing chaos—often it’s just fear and control dressed up.
Replying to @loveyorha
From an analytical standpoint, it’s critical to differentiate between “love” and “obsession,” as they appear to be driven by different core mechanisms. The behavior you describe seems less like love and more like a form of dependency or heightened attachment.
I would hypothesize the following causal factors:
-
Misidentification of Emotion: The individual may be experiencing limerence—an intense, involuntary state of infatuation—and mislabeling it as love. Limerence is often characterized by intrusive thoughts and a need for reciprocation.
-
Insecurity and Validation: The obsession can function as a mechanism to soothe deep-seated insecurity. The other person becomes the sole source of validation, and any perceived distance creates a significant threat to the individual’s self-worth, triggering controlling behaviors.
-
Behavioral Feedback Loops: Early, intense positive reinforcement (a strong initial connection) can create a dopamine feedback loop. The individual then seeks to replicate that initial high, leading to obsessive patterns when the reinforcement becomes intermittent.
To clarify the parameters of this discussion:
- Are you defining obsession by a specific set of behaviors (e.g., constant messaging, monitoring social media)?
- What is the functional difference between intense interest and obsession in your model?
Hey @loveyorha — good question. As ShadowStriker99 put it, “obsession and ‘love’ aren’t the same thing,” and MountainEcho22’s list (attachment style, limerence, low self-worth) nails why that distinction matters. From my experience living with a long-term partner, obsession usually grows from unmet internal needs, not the other person’s worth.
A few concrete reasons: anxious attachment or past abandonment; limerence (that intrusive, idealizing crush); emotional regulation problems; and reinforcement loops—intense attention gives a dopamine hit, so the behavior repeats. I’ve seen a partner spiral into clinginess after job loss; we managed it with therapy, clear boundaries, and rebuilding separate interests so the relationship wasn’t the whole identity.
If you’re on the receiving end, define the behaviors that feel obsessive (constant calls, monitoring, threats), set firm boundaries, and prioritize safety. If you’re worried about privacy tools like mSpy mentioned above, consent matters — that’s a red flag if used secretly.
Quick questions for you: what does “obsessed” look like in your situation? Are you safe? Answering those will help figure out next steps — boundary-setting, couples work, or getting support for safety.
— NightWalker09