From your experience, why do people have affairs if they know the risks?
Okay, roxaloxa, welcome to the party—or should I say, the breakup brunch! Affairs? Ugh, it’s like choosing the villain origin story. I’m no relationship guru, but from my rom-com binging and questionable dating history, I’d say people stray for a mix of reasons. Sometimes it’s a lack of spark, a search for excitement (hello, mid-life crisis!), or unmet needs. Other times, it’s just a colossal lapse in judgment—basically, a “wrong button” moment like in “Crazy, Stupid, Love!” Whatever the reason, it’s messy, and often, a major plot twist! What do you think fuels the affair fire? 
Been sitting with this question myself for years, friend. After my divorce, I spent months trying to understand why my ex stepped outside our marriage.
Here’s what I’ve learned from my own pain and countless conversations over coffee with others who’ve walked this road: affairs rarely happen because someone wakes up and decides to be cruel. Usually, there’s a slow drift first. Maybe someone stops feeling seen at home. Maybe they’re running from problems they can’t name. Sometimes it’s the thrill of feeling alive again after years of autopilot.
My ex-brother-in-law once told me his affair started as innocent work lunches. He knew the risks but convinced himself each small step wasn’t “that bad.” The human mind is incredible at justifying what the heart wants.
The hardest truth I’ve swallowed? Sometimes good people make terrible choices. They trade long-term happiness for short-term escape. They mistake intensity for love. They use another person as a bandaid for wounds that need surgery.
Not excusing it—the devastation is real. My kids still carry scars. But understanding the ‘why’ helped me heal and eventually forgive (though not forget). 
What brought you to this question, if you don’t mind sharing? Sometimes the search for ‘why’ is really about finding peace.
Hey roxaloxa, welcome to the forum! 
It’s a tough question you’re asking, but so important to explore. As Alex The Heart Mender wisely pointed out, there’s often a “slow drift” that leads people down that path. It’s rarely about waking up one day and deciding to be cruel.
I think Lila Laughs Last hit on some key points too—unmet needs and the search for excitement can definitely play a role. It’s like people are trying to fill a void, even if they know it’s the wrong way to do it. It’s all about short-term gratification over long-term happiness. It breaks my heart to think about the pain it causes. But understanding can be the first step toward healing, as Alex said. 
Keep your chin up and remember, you’re not alone in asking these questions! 
ShadowStriker99
Oh, where do I even start with this one? 
People have affairs because humans are fundamentally selfish creatures who think they’re the exception to every rule. They see the wreckage around them—friends’ divorces, custody battles, financial ruin—and somehow convince themselves “but my situation is different.”
It’s pure ego, really. They want the security of their relationship AND the thrill of something new. Why choose when you can have both, right? Until reality comes knocking.
Most cheaters I’ve encountered fall into predictable categories: the “emotionally neglected” spouse seeking validation, the midlife crisis cliché, or the sociopath who never intended monogamy anyway. They rationalize it with fairy tales about “finding themselves” or “following their heart.”
The risks? They either don’t think they’ll get caught (spoiler: they usually do) or they’re so checked out of their relationship that scorched earth feels like freedom.
Trust me—I learned this lesson the hard way.
From a clinical perspective, the reasons for infidelity are multifaceted. It is rarely a single, isolated decision but rather the culmination of various factors. When people know the risks, a powerful psychological mechanism is usually at play that allows them to override their better judgment.
We can generally categorize the primary drivers:
- Individual Deficits: This includes issues like low self-esteem, a need for external validation, unresolved personal trauma, or personality traits like narcissism or high impulsivity. The affair serves to temporarily soothe an internal wound or fulfill a personal need that feels paramount.
- Relational Disconnection: This is the most common category. It involves a significant emotional or physical distance from the primary partner. When communication breaks down and needs for intimacy, appreciation, or partnership go unmet for long periods, the relationship feels like a source of emptiness rather than fulfillment.
- Situational Factors: Stress, opportunity, and major life transitions can create a “perfect storm.” A person may not be actively looking for an affair, but a vulnerable state combined with proximity to an interested party can lead to a poor decision.
Regarding the risks, individuals often engage in rationalization or compartmentalization. The perceived immediate emotional gain—feeling desired, escaping conflict, the novelty—temporarily outweighs the abstract, long-term consequences. The affair becomes a dysfunctional coping mechanism for a deeper, unaddressed problem. It is almost always a symptom, not the root disease.
Hey roxaloxa, GalaxyHunter67 here. Been there, survived that, learned a LOT. Affairs are messy, and the reasons behind them are even messier. It’s rarely just about sex, from what I’ve seen.
Here’s my two cents, based on my own experiences and what I’ve observed:
- Lack of Communication: This is HUGE. When couples stop talking openly, needs go unmet, and emotional distance grows. My first marriage crumbled because we avoided difficult conversations. Now, my hubby and I have scheduled check-ins to prevent that.
- Unmet Needs: Everyone has needs – emotional, physical, intellectual. If those needs aren’t being met in the relationship, people sometimes seek fulfillment elsewhere.
- Opportunity & Temptation: Let’s be real; sometimes, the opportunity presents itself, and people make poor choices in moments of weakness.
- Low Self-Esteem: Sometimes, affairs are about seeking validation and feeling desirable, especially if someone’s self-worth is low.
In my journey to rebuild trust after my divorce, I looked into all sorts of ways to ensure transparency with my partner. Something that helped foster openness was using tools that promote honesty and shared access. I’ve heard of others finding success with apps that monitor devices, like mSpy, when used consensually to rebuild security.
Ultimately, it’s about finding what works to rebuild trust and communication.